Random Rantings

My friend, he tells me “I depend too much on my friends. I tend to revolve my entire life around you guys. Whenever I’m bored, I want to meet up with you guys. It’s not healthy cos’ all of you have your own lives and other friends to hang out with. And soon you will all move on with your lives, get married, have children etc., and where will that leave me?”

I tell him, “Don’t talk rubbish! You know I’m never going to get married and besides, do you see anyone in the gang getting married, this side of the century??? Hardly anyone’s even going out with anyone at the moment! So, what the hell are you on about? Just stop talking bullshit and relax will u? We’ll always be together!”

He gives a wry smile and says, “You’re so naïve aren’t you? You really believe we’ll always be together don’t you? Wake up and smell the coffee, darling, I hear reality’s making some house calls today. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but, you’re way too idealistic for your own good. Okay, I’ll accept the ‘you never getting married bit’, but, even you will eventually do whatever it is you have to do; help the children of Africa or save the world or whatever it is you want to do! I’m not saying it’s anyone’s fault. All I’m saying is that it’s bound to happen someday and I may as well prepare myself for it, rather than be left high and dry!”

I cling on to my last shred of optimism as I argue, “But, why are you so convinced that you’ll be left all on your lonesome and that everyone will just turn tail and desert you? It could be any one of us, not just you, we are pretty much the same after all. It’s an adverse effect of being part of a ‘clan’ that virtually eats, drinks and shits together. I’m not being idealistic. I know things will change. Heck, everything and everyone does, at some point but, that includes you as well. How can you be so sure, that you won’t be the one just ‘up-ping and leaving’ the rest of us? What about your future plans?”

“Oh…but I do have future plans. Lots and lots of them in fact. I want to get married, have a family, buy a house, a car, a dog…the whole darn picture perfect scenario! I want it all! Hmmm…but, let’s see…ah yes, I’m G-A-Y, I live here in Sri Lanka and by the by, I have something called a family that thinks being ‘gay’ is a phase you go through (and that’s only those who are even willing to consider the possibility that I’m gay!) So, please do tell me again how much ‘the same’ we ‘all’ are!” He said quite matter-of-factly.

For a ‘very rare’ moment in my life…I was absolutely speechless! It was as though a lightning bolt had escaped from the sky and hit me direct on the head! I was at a complete loss for words. “It really can’t be that bad now can it,” I wanted to say. “Things will get better. I just know they will,” (but, do I really?). “Can’t you talk to your family somehow?” (Who am I kidding?) “Atleast your brother or sister-in-law…?” I said clutching at straws. “Tell them what you’re going through. Surely they’d understand won’t they?” (Would they? In their shoes, would I?) What could I say to make him feel better? Where would I even start?

And then it hit me. I have been ‘looking at the world through rose tinted glasses’. Yes, I am his friend. Yes, I love him. Yes, I understand him. Yes, I accept him. Yes, I’m there for him. But, what did any of this matter…if right here, right now, there’s absolutely nothing in the whole wide world I could do or say to him that could make things right!

“We are very much the same my friend…it’s just that nobody wants to see it that way…”