Random Rantings

My life as it stands now can only be deemed as one big mess! Looking at my life from one particular angle (with your neck strained to the far right I think), it’s quite simple. I’ve completed my degree, I want to get my life on track and in order to do that I need to become independent (which sadly I’m far from, at least financially) and I’ve somewhat figured out how I’m going to get about it. That doesn’t seem too complicated now does it? Unfortunately though, it is.

See, don’t get me wrong. I do want all the things mentioned above or to put it simply; my independence. But, in my mind, the path is not that simple. Yes, I do have a way out of my current “financial rut” status, but, I’m left wondering what I would have to sacrifice as a result of it. More than what I would have to forgo, my worry is, whether I’m ready to give them up just yet. I mean I’ve been pretty much stationary for the most part of 5 years now. These people are like family to me…these walls familiar…everyone knows me and I know everyone…life is homely here…comfortable. We celebrated our 20th birthday today. I had actually been here for a quarter of our existence. It felt good. I felt so much a part of the entire set up. How can I leave now? Just like that turn my back on it. I don’t know if I can stomach it right now.

Should I leave or shouldn’t I? Money is not everything but, it is a necessary evil. How long more must I scrounge off my parents; be a dependent. A 26 year old dependent! How lovely! Doesn’t there come a time in a child’s life when the roles are supposed to be reversed? Isn’t it high time for me now? Let alone reversing roles, I can’t even manage to sustain myself! So what choice is there really then? It pretty much all boils down to one thing. Do I want out? Out, from this ridiculous reality, I’ve created for myself?

If it’s a “yes”? Then by all means, I need to get myself the hell off my behind, stop belly-aching about things beyond my control, embrace change with all the courage I can muster and move on with my life. If it’s a “no”? Then too the solution is simple. I must not whine, sit back and see where the wait takes me.

Either way, I’ve come to realise whilst writing this I think, that you’ve just got to do what you got to do, when you’ve got to do it! You just can’t sit around waiting…even for ‘Godot’!